Listen to the song
Recorded by: Steve Deasy
Written by: Steve Deasy


music and lyrics copyright 2004 by Stephen J. Deasy

Sing a song about the lawyer man
He'll take your money any way he can
He’s chasin' after your ambulance
He’s takin' half of your inheritance
Driving up in a Mercedes Benz
He’ll pretend that you’re the best of friends
But keep your guard up, be forewarned
Love hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned

Two farmers fight about a cow
One’s got the head, one’s got the tail
But our good old friend the lawyer
He milks the cow and steals the pail
It’s a mystery to me
Don’t understand the way he think
How come he can join the bar
But I’m the one who needs a drink?

It’s like he’s guided by some unknown force
Towards catastrophes and my divorce
Just when you think your life is a curse
You’re called to court and find it can get worse
Not all attorneys are bad, it’s said
It’s been pointed out to me that some are dead
So don’t go thinking that they’re all to blame
It’s just the ninety-nine percent that give the rest a bad name

You’re stranded with a lawyer,
Mussolini, and Adolf Hitler too
But you’ve only got two bullets
So what the hell you gonna do?
It’s an ethical dilemma
So you best take my advice
Let two of them go
Shoot the lawyer twice

Little boy jumped up on my knee
And he asked me, “Daddy what should I be?”
I told him he could be a diplomat
A prince, a pauper, or aristocrat
Just don’t be a lawyer, that would bring me grief
I would sooner sire a common thief
Or a drifter like Tom Sawyer, man
Than have that boy of mine grow up to be a lawyer man

Lawyer man
Don’t be a lawyer man
(Repeat, ad lib , ad nauseum, habeus corpus, corpus dilecti,
quid pro quo, et cetera)